i wasnt the one who chose to have that brain. it doesnt make me feel sane. i dont even think my mind is playing normal anymore. i feel like a glitch in existence from my own perspective.
im so sorry. i didnt mean to do those things behind you. i dont know what am i doing. i am just so lost and delusional. i didnt mean to do any mistake behind you. even i feel disgusted from myself sometimes. i just wanted to reach you. hear your voice, see your face, listen to your excellent laugh; though, i knew i never deserved none before anything happened even before you. i am no one to long about this. my brain slowly disables things in itself. do you enjoy seeing me regreting that i woke up every day? why did you have to make me feel regret of you? i wanted to love you. but apparently i am too bad that i can even feel trust issues with the last person i could... i am so tired. i am even tired of planning it. i am tired of choosing wrong answers every time. i just wanted to fix things. were everything you said was mistake or is that another time that i am sabotaging myself?
sürekli adını sayıklayarak uyumamın nedeni ben miyim? seni çok mu rahatsız ediyorum? varlığımın bir anlamı yok. bu zamana kadar senin için durdum. ama görünüşe bakılırsa başlangıçta bile doğru düşünmüşüm... "pişman olacağım". ne var ki, daha iyi bir geçmişe ve kişiliğe sahip bir insan olarak doğsaydım? o kişiliğe duyduğum özlem, hasret; elimde olsaydı? benim, bizim ne eksiğimiz var? seni bu kadar düşünmekte hata mı ediyorum? sürekli kafama sıkmışım gibi baygın hissetmemdeki suç bende mi? galiba... ama bu kadarını, böyle olmayı hak edecek ne yaptım ki? bana söylediğin o tatlı sözler hiç gerçek değilmiş gibi hissettiriyor. seninle yaşadığımız iyi anlar hiç gerçek değilmiş gibi hissediyorum. her şeyi anında unutuyorum. hiçbir iyilik aklımda kalmıyor. hiçbir şey kafamda oluşmuyor. bu kadar ileri gideceğini bilmiyordum. sizi mi özlesem ölümü mü artık bilmiyorum.
yes you didnt want me to be anyone else's. i also didnt want. but apparently i am not capable enough of loving anyone. i may not be yours. i am not worth it. i am nobody's. nobody should meet me. for their own sake. curse to me. humiliate me. beat me up. make fun of me. i am used to it but love. give me them instead. even though i will not like it. i belong to anywhere probably. all i could do is just use knowledge maybe. i get some love then i generate negativeness and things that are only for me. which is nothing more than being selfish. i try my best to not, but it doesnt help i guess. on many days i wish to die from an heart attack.
what a scumbag i am
am i better off dead?
would it change to better?
no, i wanna talk
im keep wondering about the things that kill me
through the same way i sent many letters
but apparently i have nobody to send it back
maybe if i get killed
maybe if i get crashed
maybe if i get shot
would that be better?
there is a trash can that
has got fake gems around it
you cross thru' a trash can that
you dont know anything about it
and saying what a nice furniture
without getting your hand in it
darling i wish i could talk more about it
cause i have nothing else to say
maybe good time we could have
sorry girl that depression consume them all away
getting squeezed till my blood drips...
getting told same thing everyday
really, dont you get lose your way?
i come across same convos everyday
meanwhile whining tucked away
oh how bad these lyrics are, lets change it
knowing everything that things get wrong meanwhile
im keep trying to get along all the way through
especially keep falling down and fown and down
but getting up is so difficult
can you please tell me whats behind?
because even without a telescope its not enough
god im really tired please take me away
and of course, only if you exist...
walking through the same
road and reaching for your waist
people puttin' us in wall of shame
no worries cuz yourself is wall of fame
in me...
kissing on your face, maybe some good taste
i dont care about pace cause i feel like your haste
i may be a waste, but it doesnt change
the love under the rock i have for you
no take it in your tone
cause i dont mind ringtone of the phone
the feeling i sometimes have for you so fond
wishing to feel it even if im low
tho' look at me, do you see?
the nonsense(?) drama in me
that lots of timelines made by me
there should be a way out
but i couldnt find yet
i wish to find it
before its to late
i realised i will not stay alive for long anyway. i look at myself. dark circles under the eyes, they are pretty easy to recognise. i look at my mind, its almost full of anxiety. i look at my body, its getting corrupted very easily. i look at my social activities, there is no such thing. nobody i really talk to. nobody to fix me. nobody who could heal me. i get anxiety attacks with even a small-looking thing. i feel like my presence is wrong in this existence. i feel like i am a glitch, that should be solved.
i cant talk with anyone normally. i dont have something to tell. i cant find something to tell. and me myself; such a b**tard, disgusting, cruel, dumb, a trash that doesnt need to be solved nor has something to be solved... but would be better if got thrown to trash.
talentless, numb, shame. unsuccessful. even though i could have had a better life.
i am alive, so what?
why am i so?.
whats a thing that i can appreciate, just because i am alive?
whats to be seen?
nothing. i... just rot, and dying in front my own eyes.
people rise and fall. but the falling ones are never takes the place of the story.
today the day you are dead. i dont know who hit to you. or i dont know when did it exactly happen. you made me feel just like i lost my dearest friend again. i could smell your dead body when i was turning back home at night. but to me, it wasnt smelling bad. i liked it. i liked the way it made you. i liked it because how its yours. nobody will care about you. people will forget. but i will remember you. im sorry, i couldnt touch to you because im afraid of infection and stuff. you smell so well. i hope you are also in a good place right now. i am still in the affect of your smell. rest well. --io and you, cat...
i am afraid of posting the cat. i might get punished... but know that i love you. s/he is right next to that road. a bit far away... <3
----------------
wake up, work, sleep, nothing in return. repeat.
making toast, just like nothing will go wrong.
crossing the road with cycle, something lying.
my eyes dont accept, i take a step closer.
i lean... i see... i dont accept. touch with my toe.
no move. i see. i get closer and closer.
but nothing changes. its already dead.
does it matter? its how i may also die anyway.
what matters? in the end thats how we forgotten anyway.
why'd matter? we are nothing more than a crumb anyway.
when'll it end? though everything will eventually.
way back home, still seeing it
going through meeting him.
its dark, i head back home.
barely seeing lying on road.
but its smell... is more observable than anything else.
smells sweet. and a bit rotten(?)
feels sad. as same as her.
cant forget, i'll remember.
at least. for now.
rest well, you both.
rest well, you all.
i hope you do.
may i come with you?
they told me i was pretty,
i couldnt have an owner.
they told me i was smart,
i couldnt achieve a success.
there've been times
i wrote poems
nobody could really see it
there've been times
i wrote song lyrics
nobody could really see it
there've been times
i tried to draw
couldnt really make it
things, many things...
observation? sounds of instruments?
turning in front of me, nobody claps
turning right behind me, nobody is there.
why people tell good things only when they want to?
i observed sky, to see something.
it taught me chaos and meaninglessnes.
i observed people, to find someone.
it taught me nobody actually cares.
i tried to find a hobby, for myself.
it turned out it wasnt enough.
im looking. keep looking...
to see something, to hold on.
im searching. it doesnt help...
with other than showing me fake.
no.
no more a thing enough
no more a thing'd save
no more hopes
no more interesting things
its only
a mess
whoever i am, wherever i am. i will be unnoticed. nothing will change. i will only matter with how much i do right now. nobody saw the problems inside me, nobody have seen the bad side i had. nobody have seen the good sides. they didnt notice her. they didnt notice her potential, her pain, her struggles, and more that she might have couldnt even express. my end will be no different. i hope... i hope i can see you or at least nothing bad happens when i am dead. i miss the days we were talking to each other, even if it didnt last long.
you could ask other people to do a favor to you. but i guess my case is even more pathetic. i dont have anyone to tell whatever the shit i am having normally. nobody listens carefully either they dont care. but they trying to seem to care.
you were nothing more than a burden to my dear friend. you only wanted to fulfill your desires and call that "getting along". you were never a friend. and (probably) nobody will be mine either.
how miserable that you and i could really get along. how miserable that i could meet somebody who really worth it, but now i am this way. how miserable that nobody will notice. and i will probably get wiped from the reality faster than i am doing while alive. and i dont care about most of the people i know, including "them"... i dont care about their feelings or thoughts after i am dead.
why everything has to be this cruel? or is it that i call them being cruel but its not indeed?
we could really have good time together. talk more, understand each other, maybe even meet in real life. you were most likely the only one who could totally help me, tried to understand and even succeed...
rest in peace. i hope i can see you and others that i care too.
while that music styles up our ear
i put bells to your ear, while i
sing that makes you feel the vibe
the soft gentle touches meet your hand
it works out during rains drop on us
stand up, lets walk to there
reach up climb up up to there
no matter how strong the wind is
no matter how wet the rain is
i would pull your hands up up to me
could you rest up on me?
'cause i'd get you what you see
spell with me,
"now i want to let you know what you miss"
"now let you see this momentary bleed"
"would you get up and come to me?"
"if my actions stutter what you see?"
no, darling i dont wanna lose you here
how come you can think i'll leave
because thats what my head said
please hold my hand, let's go to home
there is still so much to pour out
just watched a shorts which was pointing on scientists discovered how soap foam acting similar to space time, galaxy collisions and similar to that. and i look at myself, while i was trying to find myself, doing my own little searches and calculations, i was thinking about this since so long. but look at me and them. here, rotting in a waste. couldnt show myself to anyone. losing my light towards science. seeing how desperate and insignificant i am... i could be one of them. i always wanted to be. though, there is nobody that would help me, nobody would show me a path. or invest on me. now i look at myself right now, how far thing i have become. i am now destroying, getting destroyed without my own will. getting wiped away in this vast of time. i never mattered, my points never mattered. all i did, everything i did for myself had no return. and when i compare the state i am in these days to them, i see myself as a wasted and ignorant villager. nothing more. basically trash versus gem. though while i observe myself from above, i see i am a gem that thrown away to a wasteland and slowly turning into another garbage. why, why things has to be this cruel? whats the point of me? i cant believe this. everything is against me. literally. not in a country that supports such thing nor you can be successful through it. and besides the corruption of the government and other things, i am astonished. what was my difference? why didnt i get this oppurtunity? why you didnt see me? if you did, why did you leave me back? why? not only i am rotting and losing my light towards life, the life also kicks one more time to a person that is dying. why the f**k ""everythıng""" i see is against me? tell me, life, why are you so stubborn to make me worse and worse and lose myself, why dont you let me also find myself???
eğer burası sonsuza dek kalabilecekse, ya da en azından insanlar yok olana dek, ne oldu? insanlığın varlığı devam ediyor mu? yaptığım o kadar kötü şey ve beni iğrenç biri kılan şeyler dışında, nötr düşüneceksek... ölümümden sonra ne olduğu keşfedildi mi? geri dönecek miyim? nasıl bir yere gittim ya da gidebildim mi? yoksa sadece geri dönülmez bir şekilde yok mu oldum...?
diğer bilime meraklı insanlar gibi aklımda benzer sorular çalıyor. nasıl bir durumdayız? karadelikler ve karanlık madde nasıl bir hal aldı? kuantum mekaniğine ne kadar hakimiz? ve onun gibi yeni bir fizik keşfettik mi? siz insanlar birbirinize nasıl davranıyorsunuz? hala kör cahil insanlar dünyayı mı yönetiyor? ya da dünyadan fazlasını? genel olarak evrene söyleyeceksem, her şey nasıl ilerliyor, her şey yolunda mı? canımız gerçekten önemsiz miydi?
lütfen... bilgi ve birlikteliğe odaklanmaya devam edin. içinizdeki güç, güç hırsı, geçici ve negatif zevkler için birbirinize kötü davranmayın. bir arkadaşım bunun yüzünden *n**h*r etti. bir şeylerin farkına varın. kendi nefsinize mağlup olmayın. kontrolü kaybetmeyin. her şeyin bir çözümü vardır. neredeyse her şeyin...
olabilecek çok büyük potansiyelim vardı... belki de beni benden iyi tanıyorsunuzdur... umarım. bana zarar vermeyin. buna değmez. lütfen.
finlandiya / norveç / kanada . yalnız, saçma insan az, sakin, soğuk. refah seviyesi fena sayılmaz. insanlar tolere edilebilir sanırım. o pofuduk karlı finlandiya sokaklarında kaybolmak isterdim. ya da kanada/norveç'te ufak bir arkadaş grubum olabilirdi. anlatacak çok şey var....
i have written these flowers for you
they are fragile, yet so beautiful to look at.
their sound is playing at the same time
they have a thin voice
the sun sets, their sound increases
meanwhile, there is the moon rise.
but flowers seem to look better.
moisture under the soil still.
the sound of wind echoes back
as if it is our voice together
an voice empty inside, another one is corrupted inside
when the earth and the moon collapses, they are form the perfection.
but who knows, maybe you are also my voice.
come, lets rest here together.
i dont want to make my flower to fade.
the words coming out trying their best for good.
meanwhile, the negativity shines bright from the moon
would you get exhausted if you see my true swings of mood?
but no, i wouldnt get exhausted from you. i'd get exhausted from the moonshine.
its looking straight to me, waiting for my death.
what am i doing wrong? ı just asked about you. would u still call me if im gone? ı never thought ı'd have panic attack from sleeping and waking up. ı wanted to listen. that's all. would you still think about me? do ı matter to you? why is it has to be always like this, or no, even worse? what is happening. nothing gets better. ı don't understand. you are gone, both of you. when will ı die? ı'm bored. take me too. or maybe ı should myself. ı am worthless. ı want to feel worthy. why are you ignoring me? ı just wanted to try. ı guess ı am wrong again. right?
i geniunely wish you to die. you scumbags. you dont know anything other than threating with beating. you have no empathy. unsympathetic mot**rf***ers. you have been a bad teacher, bad parent, you have never been a thing to me. i hope you die so i will never tremble with the stress again just like now. you dont deserve even a dust of my patience. ignorant, arrogant piece of s**ts. you are so selfish. you only see your own problems and stress meanwhile you are unaware of what are you doing to me. not just to me to you each other too. really what a pity. you dumbass creatures know nothing other than destroying. i hope today you all die. every of you. right now.
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