coldstress yazar profili

today the day you are dead. i dont know who hit to you. or i dont know when did it exactly happen. you made me feel just like i lost my dearest friend again. i could smell your dead body when i was turning back home at night. but to me, it wasnt smelling bad. i liked it. i liked the way it made you. i liked it because how its yours. nobody will care about you. people will forget. but i will remember you. im sorry, i couldnt touch to you because im afraid of infection and stuff. you smell so well. i hope you are also in a good place right now. i am still in the affect of your smell. rest well. --io and you, cat...





i am afraid of posting the cat. i might get punished... but know that i love you. s/he is right next to that road. a bit far away... <3

#3844273

mizahı şimdi anlıyorum a*k. tak tak tak. oldu mu :d?

they told me i was pretty,
i couldnt have an owner.
they told me i was smart,
i couldnt achieve a success.

there've been times
i wrote poems
nobody could really see it

there've been times
i wrote song lyrics
nobody could really see it

there've been times
i tried to draw
couldnt really make it

things, many things...
observation? sounds of instruments?
turning in front of me, nobody claps
turning right behind me, nobody is there.

why people tell good things only when they want to?

i observed sky, to see something.
it taught me chaos and meaninglessnes.
i observed people, to find someone.
it taught me nobody actually cares.
i tried to find a hobby, for myself.
it turned out it wasnt enough.

im looking. keep looking...
to see something, to hold on.
im searching. it doesnt help...
with other than showing me fake.

no.
no more a thing enough
no more a thing'd save
no more hopes
no more interesting things
its only
a mess

whoever i am, wherever i am. i will be unnoticed. nothing will change. i will only matter with how much i do right now. nobody saw the problems inside me, nobody have seen the bad side i had. nobody have seen the good sides. they didnt notice her. they didnt notice her potential, her pain, her struggles, and more that she might have couldnt even express. my end will be no different. i hope... i hope i can see you or at least nothing bad happens when i am dead. i miss the days we were talking to each other, even if it didnt last long.

you could ask other people to do a favor to you. but i guess my case is even more pathetic. i dont have anyone to tell whatever the shit i am having normally. nobody listens carefully either they dont care. but they trying to seem to care.
you were nothing more than a burden to my dear friend. you only wanted to fulfill your desires and call that "getting along". you were never a friend. and (probably) nobody will be mine either.

how miserable that you and i could really get along. how miserable that i could meet somebody who really worth it, but now i am this way. how miserable that nobody will notice. and i will probably get wiped from the reality faster than i am doing while alive. and i dont care about most of the people i know, including "them"... i dont care about their feelings or thoughts after i am dead.

why everything has to be this cruel? or is it that i call them being cruel but its not indeed?

we could really have good time together. talk more, understand each other, maybe even meet in real life. you were most likely the only one who could totally help me, tried to understand and even succeed...

rest in peace. i hope i can see you and others that i care too.

if i deserve...



those thoughts keep playing in my head.

while that music styles up our ear
i put bells to your ear, while i
sing that makes you feel the vibe
the soft gentle touches meet your hand
it works out during rains drop on us

stand up, lets walk to there
reach up climb up up to there
no matter how strong the wind is
no matter how wet the rain is
i would pull your hands up up to me

could you rest up on me?
'cause i'd get you what you see
spell with me,
"now i want to let you know what you miss"
"now let you see this momentary bleed"
"would you get up and come to me?"
"if my actions stutter what you see?"

no, darling i dont wanna lose you here
how come you can think i'll leave
because thats what my head said

please hold my hand, let's go to home
there is still so much to pour out

just watched a shorts which was pointing on scientists discovered how soap foam acting similar to space time, galaxy collisions and similar to that. and i look at myself, while i was trying to find myself, doing my own little searches and calculations, i was thinking about this since so long. but look at me and them. here, rotting in a waste. couldnt show myself to anyone. losing my light towards science. seeing how desperate and insignificant i am... i could be one of them. i always wanted to be. though, there is nobody that would help me, nobody would show me a path. or invest on me. now i look at myself right now, how far thing i have become. i am now destroying, getting destroyed without my own will. getting wiped away in this vast of time. i never mattered, my points never mattered. all i did, everything i did for myself had no return. and when i compare the state i am in these days to them, i see myself as a wasted and ignorant villager. nothing more. basically trash versus gem. though while i observe myself from above, i see i am a gem that thrown away to a wasteland and slowly turning into another garbage. why, why things has to be this cruel? whats the point of me? i cant believe this. everything is against me. literally. not in a country that supports such thing nor you can be successful through it. and besides the corruption of the government and other things, i am astonished. what was my difference? why didnt i get this oppurtunity? why you didnt see me? if you did, why did you leave me back? why? not only i am rotting and losing my light towards life, the life also kicks one more time to a person that is dying. why the f**k ""everythıng""" i see is against me? tell me, life, why are you so stubborn to make me worse and worse and lose myself, why dont you let me also find myself???

eğer burası sonsuza dek kalabilecekse, ya da en azından insanlar yok olana dek, ne oldu? insanlığın varlığı devam ediyor mu? yaptığım o kadar kötü şey ve beni iğrenç biri kılan şeyler dışında, nötr düşüneceksek... ölümümden sonra ne olduğu keşfedildi mi? geri dönecek miyim? nasıl bir yere gittim ya da gidebildim mi? yoksa sadece geri dönülmez bir şekilde yok mu oldum...?

diğer bilime meraklı insanlar gibi aklımda benzer sorular çalıyor. nasıl bir durumdayız? karadelikler ve karanlık madde nasıl bir hal aldı? kuantum mekaniğine ne kadar hakimiz? ve onun gibi yeni bir fizik keşfettik mi? siz insanlar birbirinize nasıl davranıyorsunuz? hala kör cahil insanlar dünyayı mı yönetiyor? ya da dünyadan fazlasını? genel olarak evrene söyleyeceksem, her şey nasıl ilerliyor, her şey yolunda mı? canımız gerçekten önemsiz miydi?

lütfen... bilgi ve birlikteliğe odaklanmaya devam edin. içinizdeki güç, güç hırsı, geçici ve negatif zevkler için birbirinize kötü davranmayın. bir arkadaşım bunun yüzünden *n**h*r etti. bir şeylerin farkına varın. kendi nefsinize mağlup olmayın. kontrolü kaybetmeyin. her şeyin bir çözümü vardır. neredeyse her şeyin...

olabilecek çok büyük potansiyelim vardı... belki de beni benden iyi tanıyorsunuzdur... umarım. bana zarar vermeyin. buna değmez. lütfen.

| bu mesajı daha sonra düzenleyebilirim. |

finlandiya / norveç / kanada . yalnız, saçma insan az, sakin, soğuk. refah seviyesi fena sayılmaz. insanlar tolere edilebilir sanırım. o pofuduk karlı finlandiya sokaklarında kaybolmak isterdim. ya da kanada/norveç'te ufak bir arkadaş grubum olabilirdi. anlatacak çok şey var....

♪ deadflowers - moonflowers

i have written these flowers for you
they are fragile, yet so beautiful to look at.
their sound is playing at the same time
they have a thin voice

the sun sets, their sound increases
meanwhile, there is the moon rise.
but flowers seem to look better.
moisture under the soil still.

the sound of wind echoes back
as if it is our voice together
an voice empty inside, another one is corrupted inside
when the earth and the moon collapses, they are form the perfection.
but who knows, maybe you are also my voice.

come, lets rest here together.

i dont want to make my flower to fade.
the words coming out trying their best for good.
meanwhile, the negativity shines bright from the moon
would you get exhausted if you see my true swings of mood?
but no, i wouldnt get exhausted from you. i'd get exhausted from the moonshine.
its looking straight to me, waiting for my death.

what am i doing wrong? ı just asked about you. would u still call me if im gone? ı never thought ı'd have panic attack from sleeping and waking up. ı wanted to listen. that's all. would you still think about me? do ı matter to you? why is it has to be always like this, or no, even worse? what is happening. nothing gets better. ı don't understand. you are gone, both of you. when will ı die? ı'm bored. take me too. or maybe ı should myself. ı am worthless. ı want to feel worthy. why are you ignoring me? ı just wanted to try. ı guess ı am wrong again. right?

hkmori - panic attack in bed

i geniunely wish you to die. you scumbags. you dont know anything other than threating with beating. you have no empathy. unsympathetic mot**rf***ers. you have been a bad teacher, bad parent, you have never been a thing to me. i hope you die so i will never tremble with the stress again just like now. you dont deserve even a dust of my patience. ignorant, arrogant piece of s**ts. you are so selfish. you only see your own problems and stress meanwhile you are unaware of what are you doing to me. not just to me to you each other too. really what a pity. you dumbass creatures know nothing other than destroying. i hope today you all die. every of you. right now.

its pointless to face all the pain in this world and fool yourself with momentary good things. we are living in a dystopia and it doesnt seem like it will change. so ending it at this point doesnt seem pointless. and who knows, maybe the death is good. maybe i will see you there again. or just "disappear". my presence is a curse to myself. my awareness hurts me. my head hurts. my chest hurts. im trembling. i will probably smile or have a slight happiness if i realise somebody is going to kill me, and of course with some fear. some of my friends left already. and i was the one that talking about ending it, how funny. maybe they are cheering or at least "disappeared" thats also something. on older times it could seem pretty appealing. but now... people trying to find a way to expand human life expectancy or even make them immortal. and at this point im in dilemma. while being this unstable, but also having these oppurtunities(?), does it worth keep suffering? i once wished to be like a normal person instead of having stress every day. i had it, i didnt like it. i felt like i wasnt myself. now i feel like everything is wrong. i lost my way. nobody's lifes matter, mine either. i could just make a future for myself. or achieve for pure happiness somehow. maybe fall in love, even though i can no longer have those hope-giving feelings compared to when i was younger. then, what to do? i dont know. maybe i should've never existed.

my brain hurts. i feel like lost control of it. i dont know what am i doing. i cant use those productive sparks in my brain good anymore. i supposed to write poems or do other things here. now i cant do anything. it hurts. i lost it. experiencing the past personalities or moods i used to have. living in a fake reality i made in my brain. when i feel a little awareness my head hurts, when something independent thought or productive thing comes to my mind my head hurts... maybe the death isnt bad? maybe she also felt good? maybe in better place, or even if she disappeared its good. i dont know my future either. whats the point of living anyway? nothing. i dont feel alright about my future. what am i supposed to think about? what is real? was everything a nightmare? or is this first things my eyes see in a nightmare?

the future doesnt scare me anymore
i dont feel my senses
i am leaving this world,
while keep staying with you.

sorry darling, you've fallen in love with a dead person
and i dont know if i can call this "falling in love".
let everything break apart
while i dance under the mess falling on me

at that time you cant hold me anymore
the falling debris closing my grave
the time was over long ago
i was just snoozing my death clock.

tanım: isteyerek ya da istemeyerek, yargının doğru olup ya da olmadığı senaryolarda kişinin kendisine karşı yaptığı ya da yapmadığı bir şey karşılığında hissettiği duygu.

heart.

and i keep losing people
as if they werent real
really, what is it
that makes me feel pain
even though i didnt before?
what is "pain"?
what is "me"?
nothing,
just a pessimistic being.
i always talk about my last goodbye
but will i ever say it as last?
keep changing my direction road to the death
while i see hundreds of bad memories.
and... somehow
i just turn back. and feel the pain
what is that all for?
i have nothing else to lose
tell me if i have got any other thing
and i assure you i will vanish them too.
as like the other places i went in.
please
dont meet me.
i dont know how will i die
but dont. just move on,
our small talk is enough for me to suppress all those huge problems.
dont ask why too much, if i dont seem like telling,
dont ask for a relationship, dont ask for close firendship.
just talk to me. ask sometimes...
give the things that i said i dont want.
our small talk is enough for me to calm down the death urge in my heart.

and i realised i shouldnt meet with anyone and nobody should talk with me either. i am nothing more than a big negative.

and its awkard how you get tired of everything you used to love. because of what kind of thing you are becoming, or you have become.

how surprising that
i realised, on every precious person i see,
i tend to become more cruel,
that breaking everything
then leaving people behind.
what kind of person i am?
a narcissist? an egoist?
what even am i becoming?
where will i end on?
all the temporary feelings i had
now become a part of me
that makes me go insane
that makes me go unmerciful.
how surprising that
i leave a mess to the places i get in
when im leaving behind.
honestly, i shouldnt have existed.
for the people who have met me.
though i dont seem to care... im just surprised.
as i stopped caring everything, minding what i feel at the moment.
all the things i had, now feels like they were never real, or a reality i had many times ago.
how strange.
keep ending up a mess, and ending up more wounded every time.
i guess im losing my mind much more day by day as it keeps accelerating.

i dont feel like im normal anymore. im literally dead alive, and about to die. not kind of pubert message. never felt like this before. im dead.