coldstress yazar profili

come on, our importance was only until the conversation was over.

ı can understand why people get scared now at even the slightest joke about suicide.
some people really do reach a point where they are capable of doing it.
as if there were no other way.
maybe there isn't.
take me, for example.

no, it wasnt your fault that i felt triggered. it wasnt your fault im keep breaking down. everybody could have something in their lives. it is okay. its just i am craving close bonds sometimes. i feel controversial about the care i am getting compared to how much i value you. i am used to people talking about their problems to me, i like to, i want to listen to them if i care about the person too much. i dont know. i try to be enough for everyone. but when i am the one who is expecting i usually end up feeling one sided. its okay. i am not someone who should get it anyways. i know my bad sides. i dont even know if i will share how disloyal i can get or how dirty i can get to anyone. or my jealousy. what wouldve happened if i mentioned about my envying problem to you? could it solve anything? i feel like... i am so selfish because i expect. i dont want to. i am trying to get rid of that. i hope i will be successful. please bear with me.



f__k nevermind just cuss on me, hate on me. i dont deserve anything. i am a selfish faggot. who minding their desire. nothing else. f__k my mind. i want to f_cking cry all over the place. leave

meowwww

im doing anything, anything might sound fun to try to keep my state positive. knowing it will always end up not working at all. who am i more than just a insane person who yaps, having frequent and constant mood changes; sometimes looking idiot then to so called smart talks, from looking funny to a person who looks like lowest person they have ever seen?

im, tired of my mood swings. i dont know who to be, i dont know what to think about. i dont know which path to choose. im thinking about if im expecting you only because i had lack of the things you gave me. but in reality, what if even us is a lie my dear friend? do you see me as a lie? am i a lie? considering my potential nihilistic mind, are we also nothing? im missing you, then i feel light-minded; i feel like laughing, then i am drowning in my tears. i feel like im finding a straight mental path then i lose myself once again. i feel like an insane person who thinks they could be normal, breaking down and going calm, watching the landscape.

i am tired of the fact that, im not even considering "love", i am not even able to have a close friend for myself. so called smart-minded is maybe random jerk who is running away from their only cure, the death. then causing struggling past to anyone im trying to be close to. i can not feel normal somehow. even if im fooling myself so much that i feel like im happy even though nothing in my life, my mind changes.

feeling tired but cannot go to sleep.
feeling like sleeping but i am afraid of tomorrow.
could you call me my name once again?
saying "you are helpful to me"
then im going, "thats what i always hear" once again?
none of em feeling true after some point.

dont compliment me, curse me. i dont wanna turn into someone egoistic. i dont wanna feel like i accomplished something even though only thing i do is type brainlessly. without realising i might regret it later.
usually, every time i get that breeze in my body, im asking "am i going to see you again after im dead? or at least something good?"

i never felt hesitated to talk to you nor scared. you were just like i knew as much as just myself. my another part. you were shockingly so mature and emotionally intelligent. i feel like i saw a big part of me in you. having deep empathy for each other. i still remember what you talked with me, im keep talking with you even if you are dead. and i feel like you are talking to me too. you are always in my mind. i want to die not only because to escape from my problems but hoping to see you again. even now, i feel like you are right next to me while im typing these. and i keep feel like crying for you. you were so quality, so precious. you were my privelege. you were another me. i never felt that open since you were gone. i feel so stressed because i am somehow being hesitated. cant tell, cant explain them just like i did with you. i want to show my empathy that i had to you again, i already havee for you but i mean to someone or others. i still feel a bit hesitated to end it. im only... only trying to find a thing that i cant deny for you. i already lost too much. its been months. it will be years... and i never want it to be years. i hope you are seeing everything, dear. no matter if you are also seeing my bad sides. because that means i never want to lose you or feel like want to lose you no matter what. please... take me to the place you are in. or better. but you too, come, please.

could you still scream from there? is it a present that you make me feel like this, or its my own curse? could you tell how much you miss me under the dirt? do you think this is the best? what if i do another mistake? as if everything i made was right... but what if i miss the chance to potentially save you? am i torturing myself in this way? please give me something that i neither cant deny or make excuses at that point. im tired of every bit of this. i miss you with your whole. you were the only one. look now what i am after all that, who i chose to stay instead of you. is everything really a joke? you were the only one who truly cared about me and so for me too... unless i wasnt a faggot and couldnt see you just before you were gone.

find myself? where to go? what to feel? who to find? what else to say? whats left to stay? finding lfie? or developing my end?

i want my head to explode. i cant feel normal. i cant talk. i cant believe. i dont know what to say. i have no mouth, but i must scream.
i hate my mind, i hate the way i am. i want everybody to keep yelling what a b**ch i am. i want to get beaten up. i cant get back to life. life doesnt want me. even now im questioning why its not getting any better. i still miss you. you make the death look even more satisfying.

im keep searching for a person. i feel so miserable. but i have no way out. i feel like a bug in this simulation. i feel cringe, i feel dumb, everyday i text random people just to find something. but nothing is minding to get close to me. yes im a bad person. but please find my history instead.

i dont know what to feel. self judge, sabotage drives me crazy. i just wanted to find someone. the word friend is not something underestimatable.

everything is against my good. i get some little good thing, or seeing someone similar to me. then they just leave suddenly, even i dont know why, or i cant get the same attention back.
may i get killed while i gaze the sky one more time?
im also keep thinking what if someone just shoots me multiple times, i'd feel pain, but i would also feel happiness at my last moments. i can imagine it. im too delusional to make my own world. im just trying to not.

im even not going to get the life i expected in the near future. i cant comprehend why is everything in this way. it sometimes makes me laugh that how opposite the things that i want against me. really, will i even get what i needed? if no, im already imagining about the ways of death of me every day so better giving me one of them.

hah. whats my problem. what are all these tries? nothing has a respond back. all my expectancy is just nothing. nothing will come. i gotta rest under the cold as soon as possible.

"worst decision i ever made". what else that is worse i could have done? the reality i ended up in is already feels like the worst. even my day time conversations became only pessimistic things. there is nothing else to lose. cant even open a single normal conversation anymore. lost all my senses. became too forgetful. nobody else to lean on. nothing left to lean on. its enough. leave it to here.

ura1me - worst decision i ever made

tanım değildir.

i wasnt the one who chose to have that brain. it doesnt make me feel sane. i dont even think my mind is playing normal anymore. i feel like a glitch in existence from my own perspective.

tanım değil.

yes you didnt want me to be anyone else's. i also didnt want. but apparently i am not capable enough of loving anyone. i may not be yours. i am not worth it. i am nobody's. nobody should meet me. for their own sake. curse to me. humiliate me. beat me up. make fun of me. i am used to it but love. give me them instead. even though i will not like it. i belong to anywhere probably. all i could do is just use knowledge maybe. i get some love then i generate negativeness and things that are only for me. which is nothing more than being selfish. i try my best to not, but it doesnt help i guess. on many days i wish to die from an heart attack.

***benim yazdığım bir şey***

## scumbag trash 1



what a scumbag i am
am i better off dead?
would it change to better?
no, i wanna talk

im keep wondering about the things that kill me
through the same way i sent many letters
but apparently i have nobody to send it back
maybe if i get killed
maybe if i get crashed
maybe if i get shot
would that be better?

there is a trash can that
has got fake gems around it
you cross thru' a trash can that
you dont know anything about it
and saying what a nice furniture
without getting your hand in it

darling i wish i could talk more about it
cause i have nothing else to say
maybe good time we could have
sorry girl that depression consume them all away

getting squeezed till my blood drips...

getting told same thing everyday
really, dont you get lose your way?
i come across same convos everyday
meanwhile whining tucked away
oh how bad these lyrics are, lets change it

knowing everything that things get wrong meanwhile
im keep trying to get along all the way through
especially keep falling down and fown and down
but getting up is so difficult
can you please tell me whats behind?
because even without a telescope its not enough
god im really tired please take me away
and of course, only if you exist...

walking through the same
road and reaching for your waist
people puttin' us in wall of shame
no worries cuz yourself is wall of fame
in me...

kissing on your face, maybe some good taste
i dont care about pace cause i feel like your haste
i may be a waste, but it doesnt change
the love under the rock i have for you

no take it in your tone
cause i dont mind ringtone of the phone
the feeling i sometimes have for you so fond
wishing to feel it even if im low

tho' look at me, do you see?
the nonsense(?) drama in me
that lots of timelines made by me
there should be a way out
but i couldnt find yet
i wish to find it
before its to late

i realised i will not stay alive for long anyway. i look at myself. dark circles under the eyes, they are pretty easy to recognise. i look at my mind, its almost full of anxiety. i look at my body, its getting corrupted very easily. i look at my social activities, there is no such thing. nobody i really talk to. nobody to fix me. nobody who could heal me. i get anxiety attacks with even a small-looking thing. i feel like my presence is wrong in this existence. i feel like i am a glitch, that should be solved.

i cant talk with anyone normally. i dont have something to tell. i cant find something to tell. and me myself; such a b**tard, disgusting, cruel, dumb, a trash that doesnt need to be solved nor has something to be solved... but would be better if got thrown to trash.

talentless, numb, shame. unsuccessful. even though i could have had a better life.

i am alive, so what?

why am i so?.

whats a thing that i can appreciate, just because i am alive?

whats to be seen?

nothing. i... just rot, and dying in front my own eyes.

people rise and fall. but the falling ones are never takes the place of the story.

iyi geceler... var mı benden başka benzerini yaşayan?

today the day you are dead. i dont know who hit to you. or i dont know when did it exactly happen. you made me feel just like i lost my dearest friend again. i could smell your dead body when i was turning back home at night. but to me, it wasnt smelling bad. i liked it. i liked the way it made you. i liked it because how its yours. nobody will care about you. people will forget. but i will remember you. im sorry, i couldnt touch to you because im afraid of infection and stuff. you smell so well. i hope you are also in a good place right now. i am still in the affect of your smell. rest well. --io and you, cat...





i am afraid of posting the cat. i might get punished... but know that i love you. s/he is right next to that road. a bit far away... <3

----------------

wake up, work, sleep, nothing in return. repeat.

making toast, just like nothing will go wrong.
crossing the road with cycle, something lying.
my eyes dont accept, i take a step closer.
i lean... i see... i dont accept. touch with my toe.
no move. i see. i get closer and closer.
but nothing changes. its already dead.

does it matter? its how i may also die anyway.
what matters? in the end thats how we forgotten anyway.
why'd matter? we are nothing more than a crumb anyway.
when'll it end? though everything will eventually.

way back home, still seeing it
going through meeting him.

its dark, i head back home.
barely seeing lying on road.
but its smell... is more observable than anything else.

smells sweet. and a bit rotten(?)
feels sad. as same as her.
cant forget, i'll remember.
at least. for now.

rest well, you both.
rest well, you all.
i hope you do.
may i come with you?