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it's almost time to lock up the house and then your party already begin, i wonder how it'll end

the day ı decided,
the wind blew stronger than ever
maybe with anger, maybe with sorrow
my old friend has always made its presence known when ı needed it

birds are drawing circles in the sky,
it’s hard to fly in this weather
how powerfully the wind blows
maybe with courage, maybe with determination
the faint sound of waves crashing on a distant shore echoes in my mind
as you blow, you carry my feelings to me

god knows how many times ı went to sleep with that dizziness cigarettes gave me

sarkan bedenleri tarıyorum hatla
kasvetimin önünde duran beyaz çiçekler
soldurur alaycı tavrımı ve de kanlı böcekler
tanrı kasvetinde ölmek ise ruha eşdeğer
sanki korkusuz bir ruha sahip imgesel beden
saklı gölgelerde kanlı bir beden
kimim ben
korkak bedenleri külle hapseden
kasvet arkasında saklı bir neden

ın the class

she keep testing my limits

ı want all the control

ı break it and throw it on her face

and he came...(c)

when ı went back to my seat

reminding me how destructive my anger is

he asked me

you alright? something off with you today...

it's the same how it always happened

he's just sitting next to me while ı'm having a break down, my face buried to my hands...

such bitter memories...

when it was may and that happened

ı broke all of my "friends" in my class

and they kept avoiding me for the rest of the year

they couldn't even look

they didn't look, they didn't want to

some felt scared, some felt betrayed and some felt disgusted.

and, even when ı broke the gem

the most precious person for me in that class

ı didn't stop, ı was blind with anger, hate and disgust

i had a mental breakdown in school, i stayed in the restrooms for hours, ı sat on the slightly wet floor, in a cabin, there were probably dirty things on the floor, ı am actually sure there was....the moment ı went back home i got in my room and got in my bed, with my same clothes, and ı havent changed my sheets back then, they are still the same, i cant find any energy to change them, i feel tired when ı look at my bed, and ı feel scared from it, as if its a big fear i will never be able to get over, my chest hurts when i look at my bed...since then i am sleeping on my floor, my body never felt content for the past months, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt, my neck hurt, everything hurts, my physical pain will never end, im so tired, i just want to sleep and never wake up

the wound has gradually become dearer to me than my own flesh and blood

ı’ll tear off your petals
ı’ll cut your branches
ıf ı touch you, ı might burn you
and will you still love me?
how can you not hate me?
how could you not be disgusted by me?
how can you still feel good things about me
ı can have those hopes about you in me, but
ı wouldn't reach you with the feelings those hopes bring
ınstead, ı would drown myself in your absence
understanding the weight of what ı’ve lost
missing you, but nowhere to turn to
not being able to return
being completely desperate
nowhere to turn to
even if you forgive me, ı won't, ı will never
because ı’m the one who caused the damage
while missing you so much that it makes me write poems about you
when from the very beginning ı wanted you to hate me
this has happened many times, with different people, different places, different times
and ı remained the same

as my final stage of love, ı will disappear

alone again
alone again
on the grass
my clothes are my only company
and the wind

who will dry your eyes
when it falls apart
the breeze is the only thing that dries my tears
the rustling of grass in the wind
echoes in my ears,
as ı keep sitting on the hill,
blurry lights dazzling my eyes